"But to all who have received him-those who believe in his name-he has given the right to become God’s children." John 1:12
I've always been tough on myself. I am the oldest girl in my family. 2nd oldest in my family. And after my brother past away, I felt like I needed to take care of everyone.
The last 9 months have been tough. I can't lie. I've been trying to be "Super Mommy" and "Super Wife." Slowly, I've been losing myself.
It might have something to do with my need for perfection, in my life and in my home. No I'm not that mom! I'm actually the "Fun House" for play dates. I like to let the kids play with play doh, finger paints, etc. But I like for our house to be clean. At night, I want to go to bed knowing that everything is in it's place. That our clothes were washed, dried, and put away. That our kids' toys have made it to their toy boxes. That sort of thing. Oh, and that all the dishes are washed and put away!
But I never estimated what a set of twins would really do to my life. I love these 2 little babies like nobody's business. I LOVE my 3 kiddos with all of my heart. But life has been crazy!
It started with my 6th month of pregnancy. When life started to get really tough. Traveling was beyond hard! Work exhausted me. And Billy noticed. So he asked his Dad if he could do more of the busy work stuff. Not so much of the traveling. The stuff that allowed him to be home. And I didn't do any jobs until after the babies were born.
Even our daily schedules changed. Since Billy and I first got together, I would get up at 4:30am with him! Every morning. He would shower, and I would make his breakfast. For anyone who is married to a cowboy, this is pretty normal. Sometimes we were up at 3am! I'd eat too. He'd go to work. I'd shower. I'd check my email, do online stuff, and then take a 2-3 hour nap. Then my day was back on track.
Month 6 of my pregnancy, Billy started making his own breakfast. Letting me sleep. He was starting to understand how difficult it was going to be with twins. And I have to say this, he's been wonderful! He would take the girls to their Dance classes on my days. And I have to admit it here, there were plenty of nights when I fell asleep before Lauren did.
After the twins were born, Billy remained at home. I know after the first of the year, that will change again. But it's been a blessing thus far! He has only left out of town for big gigs. Oh, and that hunting trip that I made him go on. He needed a break too!
But it's tough. I'm "on call" 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I breastfed Lauren. But that was nowhere near this. Breastfeeding twins. I feel like at all moments in the day, I have a child or pump attached to me. But I want to do this for them. It's the one thing that I can do right now, that will improve their health over their lifetimes.
And there's Lauren. I always feel so bad. Like I don't get enough time with her. She is in her dance classes Mon-Fri, 8am-noon. And at least 1 Saturday a month, she performs. I feel like we don't have as much time to spend together. And I guess what really stresses me out is, in 1 year, she will be in pre-school!
The other night, I just broke down. I had just put the babies down. Billy had read to Lauren. And she had fallen asleep before I got to tell her goodnight. I went downstairs, and I realized I had left wet laundry in the washer. The dryer also had a load of wet and very stinky clothes. And the sink was overflowing with dinner dishes.
Literally, I sat on our stairs and cried. Billy was outside with the dogs. Letting them do their business before bringing them in for the night. And he saw me. He had no clue what was going on. I just sat there crying.
Like his usual self, he came in to see what was wrong. He didn't ask me anything. Just scooped me up in his strong arms and let me cry. And when I was done crying, I spilled the beans. It was tough to admit that I can't handle it all. But it was also such a HUGE relief!
Today in church, the priest told us a story about a woman. And he read the scripture, John 1:12. It just hit me. I'm a child of God!
It doesn't matter if our home is spotless. Or if I had to dry and rewash 2 loads of laundry. Or that my husband washed the dishes. And the next morning I had to rewash them. He tried his best! Heck, it doesn't matter if by dinnertime, my hair is in a messy bun, I've got baby cereal on my shirt, the twins are in onesies, Lauren has one 2 different socks on, oh and I might have burnt part of dinner.
Because my kids are happy. And healthy. They're clean and well fed. Our home is clean. Not spotless, but clean. I love my husband, and he loves me. We have an amazing family. And great friends.
So I might not get to have breakfast with Billy every morning. I can't leave my babies for more than 2 hours at a time. And that's pushing it! I schedule time with Lauren, when her siblings are napping. I don't wear makeup most days. My hair is in a permanent messy bun. And I can't remember the last time I went out to lunch with my friends.
I LOVE my life! It's not perfect. But that's not the way life is supposed to go. The constants that I have, are my friends and family. I owe a lot to Lola. Who doesn't mind listening to me cry, my kids screaming, and my never-ending list of worries. She's here for me. Even if we live so far from one another.
That's what God has given me. Amazing friends. And loving family. That's what life is about. I get to snuggle with my babies. I feed them and watch them grew healthy and happy. I get to hug my daughter. And play dress up and dance around the house to "Princess music." I get to make love to my hubby. Maybe not as often as I'd like. Not going to lie here, some nights, I fall asleep with my kiddos. Before they are asleep! And I get to chat with Lola. About the problems in my life, about her amazing love story, and silly things...like makeup.
I'm a child of God. And I'm proud. He has given me struggles. But he's also blessed my life so much! I don't need to be so hard on myself. Because I was not created to be perfect. But to serve the Lord. To grow healthy and beautiful children. To love my husband. And to do great things in the Lord's name.
~Manders
PS I wouldn't mind a little "Couple Time" with my hubby. I'm just saying...you know, we just had an anniversary! :)
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