16 Years

Today marks the 16th anniversary, of my brother Robert's passing. The pain is still there. Not as raw, but still there. There are still days that I wake up and I want to talk to him. Days that I wish we could sit and talk about life. Talk about raising a family. I know he would probably have 8 kids by now! He'd tease me because I'm trying to raise my 3 precious kiddos, but feeling very overwhelmed by it. Or laugh that I made a career out of my love for makeup. And married a "Real Cowboy."

Last year, I really felt close to Robert. While I was pregnant. I don't know why. But I really did. I spent lots of time watching old videos of our family. From when we were all kids. I looked through all of my parents' old pictures. Just feeling the need to remember my brother.

I kept telling Billy that one of our babies was a boy. I just knew it. And when we found out that we were having a boy and a girl, I knew I had to name my son after Robert. Billy completely agreed.

It's funny, as Robbie is getting bigger, he just reminds me so much of my brother. Even when I put him and Abby down for a nap, he grabs her hand. Just like Robert would grab mine, when we would walk home from school. I hope that Abby and Robbie are just as close as Robert and I
were. That Robbie will always love and take care of his sisters, yes both of them. :)

I know, I must sound crazy. But my brother and I were super close. He was my hero. My big brother. The guy that looked out for me. Protected me from all of the bad things in life. You can read my post from last year. It sheds a little bit of light on this tough subject. The day we lost Robert, it changed my life. Forever.

But there was something very healing about having the twins. Almost like a piece of my brother is living through my son. My mom gets so emotional with Robbie. I catch her every once in a while, just lost in her thoughts. Usually when Robbie and Abby are napping. The tears are slowly trickling down her cheeks. Or when Robbie is laughing and playing. I have a feeling, that Robbie reminds her of Robert.

We'll never forget my brother. That's just impossible. He was such a huge and important part of our lives. But in some small way, I'm positive that Robert is now living with us. Bringing us a sense of comfort. Helping us to celebrate his life, and move forward with our lives.

We love you Robert! I promise that I'll never forget you. How could I? You taught me how to tie my shoes, count, and bait a hook to go fishing. Brother, I miss you. Rest in peace.

~Manders