Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Being Honest with Me

My kiddos, my gifts from God, have been in bed, for less than an hour. My hubby, the sweet man that I love, is hard at work. He's finalizing all these plans, for a work trip. That we're leaving on, this weekend. And I'm sitting here, feeling incredibly lost...

If you've noticed, I've blogged more this week, than I usually do. I'm feeling a bit lonely. A bit lost. A bit...well I can't put my finger on it. My life, is everything I've ever wanted. Plus more! I have this incredible man that I love. And whom I know, loves me in return, more than any one person can love. We have 3 amazing, and healthy children. A beautiful home. Food on our table. Health. A good and steady income. Which these days, is not common.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for all these things. But something is missing. And I can't put my finger on it. I just don't know what it is. But it's bothering me. Do you ever feel this way?

I think I've been panicking about things, that I just can't control. We were supposed to go to Texas this Friday, but it just didn't work out. And you know what, it really bothers me. I was looking forward, to spending time with Billy's family. And I was honestly, looking forward to spending some time on the Ranch.

Lizzie and I, just haven't been spending much time together. I know. We're both married now. We live about 90 minutes away, from one other. But I miss my sister. The weather hasn't helped either. It makes the roads bad, and then neither of us, wants to travel. Even when we've planned to.

Speaking of the weather, it's also made me a bit sad. Or restless. Maybe both. The kids and I leave to take Lauren to school. But we only get out of the car to take her inside. And maybe for a quick run to the grocery store. We then stay inside, all day. Until we go pick Lauren up. There are the drives to church, and dance practice. But that's it.

I'm 100% positive, it's bothering the entire family. But it's been so cold. And more windy than normal. The wind is so strong. I know the twins can't handle it. Heck, I have to carry them, when it gets real bad. Because they just can't stand up. My poor babies!

But all these things are wearing on me. I can feel it. I'm so tense. I can't turn my thoughts off. I almost feel like I'm panicking. Somewhere deep down inside. It's so nuts, that I was literally mad at the TV, on Monday night. Because we weren't getting a signal. The weather was that bad. Our kiddos were asleep. The internet connection was weak. Billy was working. I just got frustrated, and went to bed. I wasn't even sleepy!

Today, I called my friend. Lola always has this amazing outlook on life. If you read her blog, or have the pleasure of knowing her, you know what I mean. :) She's positive, during the worst of times. She has had to battle cancer, off and on, for a few years now. And she never once, gets mad. Or asks why. She just smiles, and looks for the good in life.

I knew, in my heart and soul, that I needed to talk to her. I spent the twins' nap time on the phone. Telling her what was going on. How I was feeling. And she just listened. Reassured me, as I cried. And in the end, she had some words, that just hit home.

What did Lola tell me? To just hand over my burdens to God. To pray. To pray hard. With my entire body, mind, spirit, heart, and soul. Just pray. And really mean it. To ask God, to carry some of these burdens, as I work through them. One at a time. And to talk to Billy. I've been bad about that. I've been keeping all this inside. He knows that something is bothering me. But I just refuse to burden him.

I know this is wrong. He's my husband. My partner. The man that has promised, to go through life, by my side, loving me. I know this. But sometimes, I just don't want to bother him. Then Lola reminded me of this guy. And how he has this incredibly crazy schedule. Lives in the spotlight. And that she still turns to him. When things are too tough for her, she leans on him. And he loves more for it. Happily helping her, through some of her toughest problems.

Lastly, she reminded me of my 3 beautiful babies. My entire life revolves around them. I remember as a little girl, praying to God, to let me be a mommy one day. And my dreams came true. I was blessed with 3 beautiful and healthy children. That love me. And have taught me so much. I need to remember that. Remember that they're the reason, I push forward.

Earlier tonight, I talked to Billy. Really let him know what was bothering me. Sure, we were doing the dishes. And the kids were watching a movie. But I just needed to get it out. I even called my mom, as Billy took the kids a bath. It helped so much!

In the end, I realize, that I haven't been taking care of me. I've forgotten about myself. I've neglected myself. Put me, last. And if I'm going to be 100% for my family, I need to take care of me. I need to do things, that are going to make me a whole and happy person.

To be honest, all those things that I really enjoy, I've let go of. I can't even tell you, when I last went shopping for me. I have no clue! I used to go browse through the makeup, clothes, and shoes. These days, I buy makeup when I'm going to be working. I shop for clothes, because I absolutely need them. Nothing is getting done out of pleasure.

My days of leisurely reading...I don't know what happened to them. I have a pile of magazines, that I haven't even touched! I have 4 books that I started, and still haven't made it past the 3rd chapter. I just don't do things for me.

Billy and I have talked about this. And we've made a deal. Granted that Lizzie feels the same way. At least once a month, he's going to play Mr. Mom. Just for the day, all day! So I can go see my sister. Nothing too crazy. Just lunch and talking. Billy will stay home with the twins, and get Lauren to school. And dance practice.

I think part of my anxiety is, I've been thinking a lot about my brothers. Robert has really been on my mind. I don't know what it is. Maybe the fact that Robbie acts and looks, just like my brother. Maybe I feel guilty. You know, because I have this amazing life. One that he never got to experience. And I stress about my little brother. When will he return to the USA? He's in the Marines. And is still at war. I worry about him all the time!

I've had a lot on my mind. I don't want to burden my friends. Or my family. But I'm realizing, I can't do this on my own. I know that Sals has her hands full. But I definitely know, she gets this mommy stress. I need to not be afraid, to talk to her. I need to make more time, to talk with Lola. She always keeps my head on straight.

Bless you, if you've made it this far. I rarely, if ever, blog like this. I find blogging to be fun. It's something I do, to make myself feel better. I want to add positive thoughts to the world. I want to share things with my readers and friends. Not burden them!

I miss blogging about silly makeup, shopping, and other hobbies of mine. I need to get back to that. Carve out a little space for me. And my interests. I don't want to lose myself. I want to show my kids, that it's important to stay true to yourself. To add things to the world.

Every morning, I start my day, with reading the bible. But I want to add, some more meaningful thoughts. I go to bible study, once a week. And I want to incorporate some of that, into my morning reading. I've also bought a journal. A place to get all those buried feelings and thoughts out. A little more private than my blog. A place, where I can be honest with myself.

I hope I don't scare anyone away. But I just needed to get this out. Sometimes, mommy-hood can get a little overwhelming. A little stressful. And a little lonely. The important thing to remember is, we're not alone. There are so many mommas out there. That are going through the same thing. And we all have God. He's our biggest supporter.

I'm off now. To soak in the tub. With lots of bubbles. And my favorite magazine. Something I haven't done, in so very long! Billy and I, just might get a little crazy, and break out the ice cream too. The best late night snack.

I hope that this post can help someone else. To show you, that we all struggle along the way. That we're not alone. I'm learning, that I can't plan everything. I can't control everything. I'm discovering who I am. And what I really want. What's most important in life. And I know now, that I deserve it. And I need it.


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